it starts in a spark.

a tiny, meanless thing such as "hey".

i'm skeptical of all this. i know better than to create expectations over someone.
still, i'm letting you lead me on. 

it may be my ego in need of some self-assurance or just pure loneliness, which i should be used to by now but somehow can't avoid. it could also be my desperate need to feel human again. lately, i've been manipulating my own head into allowing myself to feel vulnerable again because i spent so much time suppressing what i feel in order keep the pain away that i'm afraid my heart has turned into stone. i'm afraid i lost all my ability to feel something again. so, i start handing knives to those around me to see who decides to stab my chest first, this way i don't feel bad for locking my heart to the world again after it happens. it's a never ending cycle, really.

still, i catch myself wishing this could be real... and i wish i could be enough.

more than that, i wish i believed in myself enough to not second-guess my own worth every damn time someone shows me the least bit of affection.

but i don't.  

it's all in my head, anyway...